


Shorn

by fifthnorthumberland



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Coping Mechanisms, Grief, Ronan dealing with Niall's death, pre-trk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 08:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8365909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fifthnorthumberland/pseuds/fifthnorthumberland
Summary: When it's all he can not to crawl out of his skin with how lost he feels, he picks up a clipper at the pharmacy and shaves his head above the bathroom sink.
A reflection on Ronan's grief buzzcut.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I believe Ronan's alcohol use is problematic in his life and I mention it briefly in this, so content warnings for alcoholism and self-harm apply. Nothing graphic, I think, but please take care.
> 
> I've struggled with mental health stuff since I was a teenager and I used to self-harm until I chose less harmful ways of expressing a need for control over my life (like shaving my head and getting a tattoo), so this is very close to my heart. If you would like support or to just talk about it, leave a comment.

The first time Ronan shaves his head, it's with a cheap clipper bought at the pharmacy. He's so angry about his father getting himself killed, about his mother's stupor, about Declan's stone cold face, about being exiled, about leaving Matthew behind, he wants to punch every wall until there aren't any, but even then, it seems to be never ending. He wants to tear out all of his hair, to claw out of his skin, to feel something other than lost and devastated and falling apart. He wants to feel like he has control over something in his life. So, the clipper.

It's not really thought out consciously, it's just that every time he manages to drag himself into the shower to wash himself, it's one more thing to take care of. When he looks in the mirror, after, the heal of a hand wiping at the fogged up mirror, it's Niall's face he sees, framed with dark brown locks. It feels superfluous and makes him feel vulnerable now that he knows how dangerous it is to be what he is, whatever that is. He needs to protect himself now that he's out here alone, needs the world to know he's not to be fucked with.

It's not a neat job at first. He's never handled a clipper before, or even an electric razor, and the way it vibrates in his hand, making him tighten his grip, makes him feel like he's shaking apart a little. He can't bother with the protective cape that comes with the kit, and he goes for the shortest attachment, shy of using the clipper without one for now. He doesn't think to cut the longer strands before he starts, so it's a few inches of curls that fall into the sink when he brings the buzzing clipper to his head. He doesn't look in the mirror until he's had a first go at his whole head.

It's a shock to see the shape of his skull, to feel it so directly when he passes his hand over the shorn hair, sending short hairs flying up. It's a small relief, a satisfaction, and it doesn't hurt. There's a slight pounding in his head from the buzzing of the clipper against his head and the way it pulled at his hair a little, but it might be a hang over from last night's (this morning's?) drinking.

There are longer hairs sticking out here and there, and from the feel of it, he missed a bit at the back, so he goes over it a second time. When he's done, he puts the clipper down, picks up the mess of hair from the sink, years of growth and care, and throws it in the garbage by the toilet. He cleans up the rest with a broom and then pops his head and shoulders under the shower to get rid of the tiny hairs clinging to his skin.

When he comes out of the bathroom, Gansey looks up at him from where he's sitting at his desk. He's wearing a mask of polite indifference, but Ronan sees through to the worry beneath it. "Is this a sign of something bad, that he isn't processing grief well?" he imagines Gansey wondering. Honestly, he can't tell how well he's dealing with this, but this feels like a step forward, not back. Maybe not moving on, but moving. He decides that's progress.

Gansey beckons him "Come over here?", always a question, never an order, though Ronan knows he would do anything for his friend. He goes to Gansey, who raises out of his chair and goes to Ronan. He looks like he's thinking about saying something, but hesitates. He then raises his hand and pauses midair to ask "Can I?" and Ronan bows his head so Gansey can reach his freshly shaved hair.

Gansey's hand caresses Ronan's short hair for a few seconds, considering silence hanging between them, and then he says to Ronan, a soft smile on his face, "It's nice." and Ronan feels the smallest bit of apprehension he had float away after Gansey's pronounced his approval.

•

A few days later, Gansey meets Ronan at his locker between classes. Ronan's relieved to not see Gansey's new friend Adam in tow. He doesn't hate the guy, but he takes up space in his life that Ronan doesn't have to spare at the moment and it annoys him. Gansey leans against the lockers next to Ronan's, silent while Ronan goes through the mess of his locker to find the book he needs for the next class. He hasn't done the assignment, but he can at least look over the chapter and know the answer when he's called on. He's gotten away with cruising by so far, but he has his pride. Somewhere.  
Without seeing him, Ronan feels Gansey reach behind his right ear and touch the hair behind it.

"You missed some spots, it's longer here," he says, then Ronan feels his fingers moving to the nape of his neck, where his hair stops, just a light brush that makes him shiver. "and here. Want to stop by a barber after last period?"

Ronan had noticed the longer hairs that he couldn't get to with the clipper by himself the day after he did it, but he didn't care much to do anything about it. He shrugs at Gansey. "Nah, it's fine, Dick." They head to class and Ronan feels the weight of Gansey's eyes on the back of his neck for the whole period.

At Monmouth, Gansey joins him in devouring a pile of pasta on the couch when he comes back from rowing practice. He feels Gansey staring again, his gaze focused on Ronan's head, and he turns to glare at his friend. "What."

Gansey looks guilty for a second, as he explains "It just would be some much nicer if it was neat, you know? I know you don't really care, but can I take you to a barber, please? I know a guy who-" and Ronan's exasperated. He thought Gansey liked it.

"Gansey."

"Okay, letting it go" he says, though he's clearly still thinking about it.

"If it bothers you so much, why don't you do it yourself?" Ronan concedes.

Gansey is incredulous, something happy and surprised in the quirk of his mouth. "Really?" Ronan nods, going back to his pasta. "After food, we'll find a pair of scissors."

They don't have haircutting scissors, so they make do with a pair of metal scissors found in Gansey's desk along with office supplies he never uses. Ronan sits on the lid of the toilet and Gansey snips at his hairline, standing behind him silently until "What made you decide to shave it?" spoken quietly brings Ronan to a reality he had avoided until then. He thought the unspoken agreement between them when he moved into Monmouth was that Gansey could not sleep and be his nerdy self as he pleased so long as they didn't speak of Ronan's grief. Maybe this wasn't that, but it very much felt like it.

"It was something to do." he says, because nothing else will come out. Not how he saw Niall's face in his features, or how he wanted to rip it all out until there was nothing left of him. He can't tell Gansey that, but he knows that Gansey knows, somehow.

Gansey just hums in agreement, like be gets it. "You know, I'd be glad to help with the upkeep if you want to keep it short." And of course his friend, his noble, golden friend would offer to support the only non self-destructive choice Ronan had made in the last month. It's unsurprising, but nice. "Yeah, thanks."

•

He shows up at church on that Sunday in a disaster of a suit and his short hair. Matthew pets Ronan's head for a few seconds and says with a gentle smile "It's so soft." and something settles in Ronan's stomach. Declan frowns and tells him to stuff his shirt in his pants before sitting down and looking toward the altar.

When he comes back from church, he finds an expensive and professional looking clipper kit on his bed. As he changes from church clothes to his weekend attire, he passes a hand over his head, enjoying the softness of the bristles. He still feels lost and undone on most days, but he's getting a grip on the present, slowly. That night, when he finally gets to sleep, he dreams of a dark nest of creeping vine, screaming bird beaks and sharp claws, knots and hooks. He books an appointment at a tattoo parlor the next day.

One day at a time. He'll never have it all back, his old life, his childhood, but he can have something new that's his and that he's made for himself. New scars can cover old ones, dark ink can bring to life new dreams. If he wears his nightmares, maybe they can't hurt him as much.

 


End file.
